There is no black and white...

Ugh, today was... awkward.

 Again, woke up at 4:30, went to work for a good 7 hours. It was nice, until I decided to be a moron (didn't take too long this morning). At the Y, we have the option of giving our memebrs a free 'fitness evaluation,' we have a few personal trainers that take the test, etc etc.... So I decided that this morning I should try it, and see where I am. Overall, I didn't get any surprises. Cardio test- exellent, bench test- very good, step test- exelent, blood pressure- exellent, heart recovery rate- exellent. Hell, I set a new record for doing the most sit ups within a minute. I wasn't really surprised. Only subject I received a "poor" in was flexibility, no brainer there. What concerned me the most was the set of numbers I received at the end of my test, this was in the BMI (body fat percentage) test. I had received a marking that I was not pleased with. Now, I'm not going to rant and rave about what I received, or even say what my fat percentage was, but I was concerned, and I continued to be a moron and worry about it. The trainer that gave me the evaluation was incredibly confused, maybe she didn't distinguish the difference between muscle and fat, maybe she was an idiot, maybe following just by the numbers is a bad idea, or maybe, maybe its just because of me. No, I'm not wallowing. I'm done with that whole thing by now. I'm just concerned, that's all.

Right after work, I decided to do something about it. In my blind fury and aggravation (because, lets face it, I work out 6 days a week, and weightlift 3 days), I decided to stop by a certain weight loss centre. I won't say what name, or what I exactly did, but nevertheless, I felt horrible. Physically, there's no way I can work out any harder than I'm doing. For example, yesterday I took my usual 60 minute spinning class, the day before I was on the eliptical for 70 minutes, hills non stop. The trainer was shocked when I told her how i've been working out, maybe i'm over-working it? Doubtful.

Well, if its not the working out, it has to be eating habits. Yet in all honesty, I haven't been eating much. Since I returned from camp (including the breakup with Matt), I barely get in the required calorie intake my body can handle. I'm not hungry though, and this is what I'm confused with. I *do* have a sporatic eating schedule (which could contribute 5% to this problem), but that's mostly because of my work schedule; get up at 4:30, have a coffee, get home, eat an apple, go to bed, etc etc. I *may* be starving mysef (again, doubtful), but in all honesty, I don't eat that much anymore.

OK. So what is it exactly? What is it that's screwing me over? Its not exercise, and its not food. Maybe Matt's suggestion was a good one, maybe I *should* chop my leg off, that'll take down the few pounds needed. Then I couldn't run, sooo... bad idea. It could be just numbers, which is what my dad yelled at me about.

"Don't believe in those numbers, yadda yadda, its a load of crap, if mom finds out she'll freak, etc etc"

Went on for a good 45 minutes. Oy.

So what is it exactly? Why am I not looking the way I want to? Why can't I look like everyone else? Maybe I'm starting to become un-healthy with my eating habits, but its my body anyway.

Again, I'm unable to hang out with my Tucson friends. Nothing new. They always like to make sure I can't go. I should just stop trying to get together with them, I know how to spot a real friend, not a phony. I have a sparse crew of them here in Tucson, again, not surprised. I miss the SAWs, they were always there for me. Still are too, I just wish I could take all 14 of them to Oregon with me. Friends like them can never be replaced.

Sorry for the angry post, I promise you there will be brighter ones awfully soon. I'm sure of it.

Feeling Un-Fit and Un-Loved,

- Me

Finally

 Today I got a day off of work. I like day offs... they're nice. Sadly, I have to get up at 4:30 and open again... so I can't be too hapy. Gotta pack for tomorrow, I don't know *what* I'm going to bring! Gah!

(making fun of Robins' xanga entry) I'll be leaving for PHX tomorrow morning/afternoon. I'll be up there till Sunday afternoon, so it'll be a nice break from everything. Plus, I get to see Robin, yay!! I'll get a chance to hangout with 'im, plus beat his behind at Soul Calibur... I play well when angered... mwahaha. Maybe I'll go get something else pierced up at Tempe as well, however, knowing Robin he'll probably have a concussion if I do anything like that. He was pretty darn close to collapsing last time... but I was flattered nontheless.  It'll be fun though, I plan on having fun. I need to. Sorry for making fun of you Robin, but come on, that one post was highly amusing. (Quote: "I get to go see her.blah blah, her, blah blah. etc,etc" You get the joke..)

My parents decided that I should stay at a hotel though, they don't feel its appropriate for me to be staying at their house. Even though it'll be 2-3 days, my Dad decided he'll come with me. No worries, its a good idea to stay at a hotel. Plus I get a mini fridge! Yay mini fridge! What a great weekend  I'll have!

  If anyone's read Andrew's LJ, you probably scratched your head at the mentioning of "Fasinations: Sensual and Erotic Store." Yeah yeah, we went there... He made me though, I swear! We passed it on the way to the Union, and I mentioned how I had never gone there... bad idea. Long story short, we visited the store for a good 3 minutes. And yes... I saw the wall of... erm..... toys..... now I know what they look like... yay. Plus, we saw and inflatable sheep, that was odd. Who in their right mind would have one of those? An inflatable man/woman, okay I get it... but a SHEEP? Come on..

Andrew bought 3 of them... (kidding). I also saw a candy bikini, that was funny. New experiences everyday.... guess I can cross off the "Adult Store" on my list.

Plus, we played some major DDR. We danced for what, maybe 2 and a half hours all together. We got to impress 30 guys (jocks), AND enjoy it! Andrew of course did some free-styling (*grumble* show off), but it was a nice relief to hear a bunch of sweaty guys shouting at us. Boys are funny.

 Nothing else to report, loosing lotsa weight already and boy am I happy. I think I'm done wallowing!

Boy was that fast! :) Can't wait for school, I'll have a blast.

Enjoying my summer,

- Me

Annie love, you forgot to write *your* name on the SAW list!! How dare you! So.. I'll do it for you..

Annie McD:  Annie is probably the most positive person I have ever met. Her quick wit and intellect amazes me, especially when it comes to getting people to work together as a team. She is certainly a great leader, as well as a friend. In the midst of grape squashing, sleep deprivation, and stress, Annie has this incredibly wide smile on her face. She's always smiling... its insane. Annie is outgoing and care-free, ensuring that the community of SAWs is a relaxed and comfortable one. I remember the first night, when we played Capture the Flag... She was there for me, pushing me to be who I wanted to be, a leader and a good person. Annie is always helpful and can easily make anyone smile. We love you Annie!

Made me Smile

 I miss ya!

- J

Last night was awesome, it was.. refreshing!

  Finally got a chance to really talk to Matt, which I'm awfully glad about. Although I got yelled at in the midst of it all, it was worth it, I'd call him every night if I wanted to. We talked till 11:30, about a good hour or so? Don't really remember in all honesty. I talked most of the time, about camp, the "situations" I had to go through, how I regretted the choices I made in both of them as well... Now don't worry about that again, I stand by my choices, I *had* to tell Mr. Nichols and the counselors for a good reason, they were hurting themselves. To think what would have happened if I had said nothing.... would have been horrible. I pray for those girls every night, and hell, I'm not that religious! I took the right steps, I'm proud.

But boy did I get stressed! I'd say for a good 72 horus I was completely messed up. I was stressing out all over the place, I wasn't being myself in fear that someone *else* would come talk to me. Well... they did, but those situations weren't as serious as the first two. "Boy problems," HA, like *I* would know how to handle "Boy problems!" Oh well, they were 14 anyway, they didn't know any better. Just next time... don't ask me for relationship issues.... because frankly, I know nothing!

Enough of stressing events, its the last thing I need to think about right now. Gotta finish Harry Potter *and* my homework assignment. Anyone know someone who's been influenced greatly by any wars? WWII, Desert Storm, anything? They didn't have to serve in the military, as long as they have a good story. I'm going to start looking for an interviewee. I need one :)

I think if I got a chance, I'd love to be in a musical in college. I think it'd be an amazing experience, I really would love to sing. But first I should get lessons or something, nobody would let a crow into a musical. That would be suicide. I tink I'd want to sing in Wicked though.... I'd want to be Elphaba.. obviously :)

Much love to all,

- Me

So, listening to some Joss Stone. She's pretty good for a white girl.

Just woke up, no, no, I didn't sleep in. Ha. Woke up today at 4:45 in the morning, mostly because I had to learn how to open up the Y. I'm going to have to wake up pretty early to open up at 5:15am. So, I learned how to open doors (Keymeistering!!!), turn on lights, and put mats on the bathroom floor. Boy is that awfully complex...  So, I decided since I was already *at* the Y, why not just get the workout over with? So I did the trainer for a good 45 minutes. I think I like working out in the morning, then I can go back to sleep. I might make this part of my new persona routine. I like it.

   I'm doing well, mentally, emotionally, etc. I've had a few breakdowns, but I'm getting awfully better at handling it. Yes, I'm still a bit teary before I go to bed, but I'm getting over it. I wonder what he's doing? Is he asleep right now? *Can* he sleep without interruptions, unlike me? I wonder how he's handling things, probably a lot better than I am. Hell, I'm typing about it right now... *That's* certainly not healthy. I've been listening to Evanescence too much... better get back on the Bubblegum Pop fix until I get better. Damn am I sick.

I miss the SAWs too. A lot. I've been playing songs from Wicked all week, I just expect to hear Bobby's high pitched (and sometimes out of tune) singing when they hit the high notes. Sadly, I can't hit those notes... curse you Bobby! I've also become addicted to Queen, and Tony Vincent (curse you Amanda!). I still need to find everyone's pictures, I only have about 1 week's worth of pictures. Help!

Well, off I go. I'll be shopping with Melissa, taking my emotions out on purchasing clothing for no apparent reason. That's always fun. Have a lovely summery day!

- ME

Well, back to normal! It sucks!

   Went to work today for a few hours, not that important. Bored as hell but at least i'm getting some money out of it. Tomorrow I'll be enjoying a nice 'girls day' at the mall, so I"m looking forward to some shopping and boy scouting..... if I can stomach it. Usually the mall isn't the best place for looking at guys, but now that i'm single I suppose it wouldn't hurt to actually think about it. I'm still awfully numb about this whole situation. I can deal with it though, I'm strong enough to take it. Oy, I just said my 3 least favorite words... "Deal with it!"

What the hell happened to me? 

I miss my SAWs, but I wish them all the best. I bet they're enjoying their summer without any stress! Which would be nice eh? Working on my WWII essay, which will be due in about 5 weeks. I can't believe I already have my first assignment. Once again, I can take it :) Hopefully, it might rain tonight. The clouds are gray and I heard there would be a 10% chance of rain. Monsoon season is approaching, thank goodness. Last time I'll witness rain here!

 Slightly enjoying my summer,

- Me

"Something has changed within me 
    Something is not the same 
       I'm through with playing by the rules 
   Of someone else's game 
      Too late for second-guessing 
     Too late to go back to sleep 
       It's time to trust my instincts 
       Close my eyes and leap 

     It's time to try 
 Defying gravity 
I think I'll try 
Defying gravity
And you can't pull me down... 

I'm through accepting limits 
 Cuz someone says they're so 
  Some things I cannot change 
     But 'till I try, I'll never know 
        Too long I've been afraid of 
          Losing love - I guess I have lost 
      Well, if that's love 
    It comes at much too high a cost 

        I'd sooner buy 
    Defying gravity 
  Kiss me goodbye 
   I'm defying gravity 
 And you can't pull me down... 

    So if you care to find me 
      Look to the western sky 
        As someone told me lately - 
       Ev'ryone deserves the chance to fly 
       And if I'm flying solo 
   At least I'm flying free 
  To those who'd ground me 
 Take a message back from me - 

  Tell them how I
Am defying gravity!
I'm flying high 
 Defying gravity!

And No one's gonna bring me down!!"

- From Wicked

Wow. Reality bites, really. In the past 20 hours, I've gone through so much, its disgusting. I can't even think of where to start... However, i suppose the beginning would be best.

 I woke up this morning, in a room with about 5 (how many/) girls. The sleepover at Amanda's was incredible. I had such an awesome time, I couldn't have asked for a better way to end the whole NAU experience. It was perfect. We cried, ate pizza, cired, played DDR, cried, looked at hilarious videos, and.. we cired. A lot. This is what one feelings at the end of Kairos. Its a horrible, *horrible* feeling. I feel so empty, like i've been slapped in the face. My friends aren't here anymore, and I must face reality; my own life. Is this what I really want though? Do I really want to come back here and live as if nothing has changed? Of course not. I've become a better person because of the SAWs, its unfathomable to forget them, or any experience for that matter. I don't want to stay in reality, I want to stay at camp for another 4 weeks. I could even eat at the union for every meal, it'd be worth it.

  Right when I got home, Matt and I spoke. We ended on good terms, and hopefully things will turn out for the better. For Matt and all of my SAW friends (Matt especially):

" I've heard it said
That people come into our lives for a reason
Bringing something we must learn
And we are led
To those who help us most to grow
If we let them
And we help them in return
Well, I don't know if I believe that's true
But I know I'm who I am today
Because I knew you

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you
I have been changed for good

It well may be
That we will never meet again
In this lifetime
So let me say before we part
So much of me
Is made of what I learned from you
You'll be with me
Like a handprint on my heart
And now whatever way our stories end
I know you have re-written mine
By being my friend...

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a skybird
In a distant wood
Who can say if I've been changed for the better?
But because I knew you

Because I knew you

I have been changed for good

 And just to clear the air
I ask forgiveness
For the thing I've done you blame me for

But then, I guess we know
There's blame to share

And none of it seems to matter anymore

Like a comet pulled from orbit
As it passes a sun
Like a stream that meets a boulder
Halfway through the wood

Like a ship blown from its mooring
By a wind off the sea
Like a seed dropped by a bird in the wood

Who can say if I've been
Changed for the better?
I do believe I have been
Changed for the better

And because I knew you...

Because I knew you...

Because I knew you...
I have been changed for good. "

From Wicked